I Will Be Chasing This Starlight
by dontmindmeimjustafangirl
Summary: Phan AU: This used to be called You Bring Me Hope but I changed it because I cant name things. Anyway, this fic contains potential triggers such as self-harm, suicide and amnesia. Also badly written smut in chapter 5 plz don't read. Unless you like that sort of thing. Maybe lil bit of KickTheStickz at the end ;)
1. Chapter 1

"PHIL. GET DOWN HERE, NOW." He heard those same words, every day. That piercing voice filled with rage and disgust. The same voice that insulted him too often, blamed him for matters they caused, the voice of his father.

Phil dealt with a lot for a boy of 15. As the author of this story I know things about him that he doesn't yet know himself, but I'll tell you one thing that will help you understand why these upcoming events occurred. Phil didn't have clinical depression, but he had dealt with things that lead him to feel depressed, I can explain to you about how people or things can mentally affect you if they do certain things over a length of time, but I don't really think you want a science lesson.

Paranoia isn't just when you think you feel a bug crawling up your back, or you think that something is behind you. Phil's friends often got bored of him after time and left him out of almost everything. They often mocked him on his hair or his Buffy The Vampire Slayer obsession. Every time he would try to make a new friend, he would feel sick and nervous after a while and be paranoid that they didn't actually have any interest in him. And in time, this lead to other problems like depression, self-consciousness, self-harm (in fact it tends to develop in that order) and life was pretty shit to be honest.

Phil's father was the only family he had. His mother died when he was 13, and he never got over the way she left him. His mother and him were so very close, almost like best friends. But Phil had a lot of trouble making friends.

"Coming Dad!" Phil tried to say that as casually as possible to cover his fear.

"Look at this. Look at this pile of crap, did I not ask you? I asked you to do the dishes and yet you…" He trailed off when he saw Phil's swollen, bandaged arm. He grabbed it forcefully and ripped the bandage off to reveal a dozen thin, red lines formed on his wrist next to the bruises his father left after seeing his scars the time before. "What the fuck is this? Did I not tell you to get a grip and stop whining about your stupid little life and face it like a man?" He pressed his fingers into the sensitive skin leaving five blue marks after he removed his hand. Phil winced, he knew not to because he 'had to face it like a man.' Phil anted to punch him, punch that smug look out of his face. "Do the fucking dishes you little prick."

Phil walked swiftly over to the sink avoiding eye contact with his father. Ever since his mother died he had been like this, blaming Phi for her death. The hot water made his arms sting, he hissed at the pain. Phil finished the dishes and put them away before quickly heading to his room.

Phil sat on his bed and followed his fingers across the swollen cuts on his arm. He look over to his desk to see the bloody shard of glass which he had been using to cut. He put some E45 on before wrapping it up again. He walked over to his shelves where he saw his ultimate Buffy collection. He put the first episode on and sat on his bed, cuddling his pillow against his sensitive arm.

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Sorry for the short chapter, I wanted to start off by giving you a sense of how he feels, anyway please leave a review and ill upload chapter 2 soon :)**_

_**- Anna**_


	2. Chapter 2

Phil hated school with a passion. He was bullied by the older kids because of his hairstyle. They called him an emo, even though the clearly don't know what is considered 'emo fashion'.

Phil's friends left him a while ago because they had basically given up on him. He sat down in his first class and got his books out, he got the usual thrown at his head behind the teacher's back, but he was used to it by now. This was his last year in this school before he could miss sixth form and go straight to college and get away from the truly crap life he has here.

The teacher hushed the class and a younger boy came up in front of the desk looking very nervous.

"Class, this is Dan, he is joining out one year course in media, I hope you make him feel welcome" She emphasized at the students at the back of the class as they sneered at him.

"Oi dickhead why don't you join emo boy over 'ere, you have the same fukin haircut an' all." Cooed one of the students at the back of the class.

"Johnson if you insult the new student again I will have you in detention after school," Said Ms Hudson, the class teacher.

"What a faggot." He muttered under his breath. Phil found himself staring at this new student for a bit too long before he looked away quickly.

"Daniel if you go and sit over there, Ill provide you with your books." She beckoned to the seat in front of Phil. He sat down nervously and got out his things, followed by more paper being thrown in their direction while the teacher wasn't looking. Unusually, tis made Phil quite angry. He had never cared about anyone else or had wanted to stand up for them. He knew that he would have to be more than stupid to do something like that.

Double Media Studies went excruciatingly slowly. It all was a blur, Phil barely took any of it in, and his thoughts were just filled with the boy sat in front of him. Phil caught a glimpse of his wristband peeking out from under his blazer. Phil smiled slightly, he was a muse fan, Phil's room was covered in muse posters, and he had all albums and shirts, kind of obsessed really.

The bell finally rang and Phil packed his stuff away and rushed to the canteen in order to avoid the cue full of rowdy teenagers pushing each other around everywhere. He wasn't particularly hungry and just got a sandwich. He hurried out as he saw Johnson's gang approaching him. He proceeded to his usual spot, behind the wall by the science block, pulled out his ipod and played muse's latest music. This was one of the few things that made him happy. He remembered he had a Physics test next, he panicked and quickly pulled out his books to look at the complicated words describing the conservation of mass and heat transfer. He memorised most of the important points within twenty minutes, which was quite impressive he thought.

After the day had ended he headed to his locker where he mostly avoided as Johnson tended to ver around that area. He closed his locker and headed to the bus stop before he bumped into someone obviously trying to keep their head down. He managed to knock all of the books out of their hands, he bent over to pick them up and return them. He looked up to see the boy in his media class.

"Oh, sorry about that.. Dan isn't it?" Phil tried to sound casual which obviously want working when his voice broke slightly.

"Y-yeah thanks, with the books and all" He said quietly. Phil smiled at him before starting to walk away "Um you couldn't give me any idea where locker 1034 is can you?"

"Oh, well that's right next to mine here" He pointed at the correct one.

"Thanks a lot, I didn't catch your name" Dan had managed to build up enough courage to try to make conversation with someone. Phil was surprised that someone had taken an interest in him, especially this boy.

"I'm Phil." He said happily straightening his bag. "Phil Lester"

"Nice to meet you Phil Lester, I'm Dan Howell." They shook hands before going in opposite directions, looking behind to exchange glances before they were out of each other's sights.

_**Author's Note:**_

_**I really liked this end of this chapter :3 anyway this is kinda short again but chapter 3 will be quite long :D and will be ploaded in a day or two. Also I am going on holiday on Saturday and wont have wifi in a week *cries uncontrollably* so ill be writing a lot instead of tumblin'. So that means you guys will get a lot when I get home :)**_

_**- Anna**_


	3. Chapter 3

Phil and Dan had so much in common. They used to sit behind the science blocks and just talk for the entirety of their break and lunch. It was a shame the only class they were in together was Media, Dan was in the year below so he had to sit alone through his classes until lunch came. They often walked home together, but Phil didn't want Dan to come round because his Dad wouldn't approve

"What do you actually do in your spare time, because I barely see you out of school?" Dan questioned eagerly.

"Um.. Well, I don't really leave the house.. My Dad needs me at home a lot." Phil said quietly.

"Hang on, so you're telling me, that your Dad can't fend for himself so he gets you to do it and doesn't let you go and get a life?" Dan sounded surprised indeed.

Phil didn't really like to talk about his home life to anyone. But Dan wasn't just anyone. He felt closer to Dan more than anyone he had ever been friends with.

Phil took a deep breath and began to explain his story to Dan.

"Three years ago, my mother died from a tumour in her brain, my family were so happy before she passed away. But after she died, my dad grew angry and blamed me because he said caused her too much stress. He used to rant on at me about how I was my fault. He occasionally brings her up when we have arguments. Well we don't have arguments, I never say anything he just shouts at me. He makes me do all the jobs and doesn't let me go out with my friends, that's why I never used to have any friends. Until now." He smiled at Dan who had gone completely quiet.

"I.. Phil I'm so sorry I shouldn't have brought it up."

"Its fine, it's just that I've never told anyone that before…" He looked up at Dan's sorrowful face "Most people don't understand.."

"Your Dad.." Dan began "Does he.." He took Phil's arm gently and lifted the sleeve of blazer. He saw the bandage wrapped tightly around his arm and started to unravel it slowly. He finally removed it completely, to reveal the swollen arm covered in cuts and bruises. He gasped at the state of Phil's skin and ran his hands along the swollen cuts.

"Did he.."

"The bruises, yeah." A slight tremble in his voice.

"I.. I'm sorry this is probably quite private to you.." He began to put his arm away.

"No its okay.." Phil liked how Dan's touch was gentle and soothing.

"Did you do that" he said quietly, referencing the red slits on his arms.

"Y-Yeah" Phil whispered.

Dan gently wrapped his arm up again and wiped a tear from his eye.

"Phil, can you promise me something." Dan sounded like he was going to cry.

"Sure, what?" Phil tried to sound more casual.

"Don't.. Don't do that again.. Please, for me.." Phil didn't know how to react to this request. _Why did Dan care so much? Why does it matter to him?_

"I promise…" Their eyes locked for a second unaware of the unending silence between them.

"You should come round mine sometime.." Dan sounded his usual cheerful self again "my mum won't care, she gets on with her business I get on with mine."

"That would be great, my dad will probably be too pissed to notice" Phil chucked.

"Great" Dan said happily "What about tomorrow after school, you can come home with me."

"Tomorrow after school, great." Phil said getting up as the bell rang.

"See you later then!"

"Yeah seeya" Phil walked away smiling to himself.

Phil hadn't been round someone's house in years… he couldn't remember what you really did at someone's house, should he bring spare clothes? Games? The latest Muse album? He thought he would pack a t-shirt just in case.

When the bell rang for the end of the day, he went to his locker to see Dan happily waiting for him.

"Alright?" He said putting his books into his locker and started to walk with Dan.

All the way to Dan's house they talked about Muse and Sonic. Phil barely realised he wasn't going his way home, he didn't particularly care.

"This is me" Dan said meekly nodding at the small white house standing in front of them.

"It's better than mine though." They both laughed before walking through the small white gate. Dan fumbled for his keys and unlocked the front door. They walked into a wooden hallway with cream walls.

"Come put your bag upstairs." Dan called sown from the landing. Phil walked up the stairs, his hand feeling the smooth wood of the bannister. He got to Dan's room and slowly opened the door. The room was covered in Posters. Muse, Kill Bill, My Chemical Romance…Phil smiled to himself as he looked around the room.

"Sorry for the mess" He said quickly shoving what looked like two empty Malteasers boxes into his very small, overflowing bin.

"Don't worry, mine isn't any better." He put his bag down and sat on the bed.

Dan put a game in his Xbox and chucked a controller at Phil, which he caught instantly. Sonic came up on the screen and they grinned at each other instantly. They played for what felt like hours.

"Dammit, No NO NOOO!" Dan shouted as Phil beat him the fifth time in a row.  
"You just can't accept that I am better than you." Phil teased followed by a smac on the head with a pillow.

"This time. This time I will beat you Phil." Dan said confidently. Their fingers danced around the buttons on the controllers and hunched up toward the end as they neared the finish line.

"Yes! What did I tell you? I AM VICTORIOUS" Dan shouted excitedly.

"I still won the five other games Dan." Phil said smugly.

"Shut Up."

Dan slumped on the bed beside Phil. "Thanks for coming round, I don't normally have people here.."

"I'm just glad to be out of the house." Phil smiled thankfully.

"You know I was like you in my old school, I didn't have any friends that appreciated me."

"I get paranoid a lot, but I can't help it, I can't help thinking that someone is going to let me down. Like they always used to do.." Phil looked down at his feet.

"Well I can promise you I won't let you down." Dan said lifting his chin up. There they were. Those piercing blue eyes. Dan never got a glimpse of them properly. They were like ice, but not so cold. They had been looking at each other for what felt like hours, identifying both their features and how they complimented everything about themselves.

Dan didn't know what he was doing, his conscience had drifted off somewhere, he started leaning in to Phil, he could feel his body heat rise as he got closer. They were inches apart and their eyes never broke their gaze. He leaned in closer until he met Phil's lips. A sudden feeling erupted inside him, a warm welcoming feeling. Phil hesitated and Dan broke away quickly.

"I.. I'm sorr-"He was interrupted by Phil leaning in to meet him again. They fitted perfectly together, like two pieces of a puzzle. Dan dragged his hands up Phil's back into his hair and tugged on it lightly, this made Phil shiver and he pulled Dan in closer to him. Dan opened his mouth slightly and licked along Phil's bottom lip and into his mouth and he like the taste of it. Dan put his leg over Phil and sat on his lap. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan's neck and pulled him down on the bed on top of him.

They broke away slowly, still locked in each other's grip.

"I.. I don't really know where that came from …" Dan panted

"Me neither, but I liked it" Phil whispered. They both laughed before returning to kiss each other passionately.


	4. Chapter 4

Phil woke up the next morning in his own bed. All he could remember from that night was Dan. Just Dan. He smiled to himself thinking about his chocolate brown eyes, gazing into his. That simple smile that smiled at him when he made a funny comment. The way his hair flicked so easily one way. Not like Phil's, his was all over the place. He remembered his scent, vanilla, he liked the way he smelt feminine. None of it really mattered, he loved Dan, with all his heart and nothing could keep them apart. Not even his Dad.

He checked his phone. 8:45, He was late. He got up quickly and pulled his shirt and tie on, he patted his hair into a satisfactory style, grabbed his bag and left the house. He hadn't even bothered to back his books. He just wanted to see Dan again, see that smile and hear his adorable laugh.

He got into school by 9:15, he was late and had missed the chance to see Dan in the morning. His first lesson was English practically his worst subject.

"Mr Lester where is your book?" the teacher snapped

"I forgot it." Phil mumbled.

"What was that? You forgot it did you?" She went on "You know if you are going to get your grade in English language then you will need your book, don't just forget it, " Her rants were drowned out by the thought of someone else, that boy with the chocolate brown eyes, his perfect hair, his laugh and smile, his warm, tanned skin his.. his..

"PHILLIP!" The teacher snapped him out of his daydreaming.

"S-sorry, what?" Phil babbled.

"You see this is your problem, you never pay attention, you just sit there not doing any of your work, you're dim-minded and slow. You need to pay attention" She said slamming her desk.

"You're not really encouraging me if you're just going to insult me." Phil blurted out bluntly.  
The class went silent. He could sense that he had just seriously pissed the teacher off.

"If you would step outside please Mr Lester. Class get on with your work." Phil could sense the chill in her voice. Phil walked out slowly. She went on to rant about students not giving her the respect she deserved and how he hadn't aimed at his best, something along those lines. Phil wasn't listening. He looked through the door into the class opposite. There he saw Dan, working peacefully, trying not to smudge his hand with what he called his 'left-handedism' Dan looked up to notice him outside, he smiled a little before returning to his work.

"Phillip I am losing my patience with you." The teacher snapped.

"Uh, yeah I understand." Phil said slightly confused. The teacher rolled her eyes angrily and told him to go back inside. When the lesson had finished he waited outside Dan's classroom for him to finish. He didn't really listen to the teacher so he didn't know if he had detention, to be honest he didn't particularly care..

"Hey" Dan said snapping Phil out of his thoughts. Phil lit up to see that smile again.

"Dan! Hey!" Phil was going to give him a hug but decided that people will see and assume they were gay, there weren't going to confess that to the world yet.

They went round the back to the science block and sat down in their usual spot.  
"I saw you were taken outside, what happened."

"Oh, the teacher was ranting on about my performance and I accidentally answered her back saying she isn't helping my insulting me" Phil said simply.

"Rebel." Dan said sarcastically and they both laughed. "About last night.. does that mean we're.."

"I guess.. I mean do you love me or are we keeping this as a 'friends with benefits' relationship..?" Phil hoped that wasn't the case. Dan spat out his drink laughing.

"Gay best friends with benefits? I don't think so." Dan wiped the juice from over his shirt. He turned to look Phil directly in the eyes. "Of course I love you.."

"And I love you too." Phil whispered. Leaning in to kiss Dan softly. Dan moaned quietly to his touch. Phil broke away gently and smiled.

"Don't you have any lunch Phil?" Dan questioned.

"Oh uh no id didn't have time this morning.. I woke up late"

"Here." Dan held out a rather squashed sandwich. "It's a bit squashed.." He said awkwardly

"No its fine I'm not that hungry.." Phil lied.

"Eat it." Dan said shoving it in Phil's mouth.

"Okay jeez" Phil muffled taking the sandwich.

"I don't want you starving Phil.." Dan gave him an adorable look before he pushed his head away.

"I do eat food otherwise I'd die, idiot."

"You still love me though" Dan winked.

"Shut up" Phil said before pecking him on the lips.

Phil dreaded the time when he had to go home and see his Dad, he knew he'd be asked questions about where he was last night and what he was doing and if he didn't give him a straight answer he would hit him again. He tried to open the front door as quietly as he could and creep upstairs but his dad would know anyway.

"Phil, come here." His dad called from the kitchen, not as brutally as he usually would.

"Yes Dad?" Phil said quietly.

"Where were you last night? I know I was out all evening but I can tell you weren't there from that morning. What were you doing eh? Out on the booze? Found some girl to knock up? Well? Answer me."

"I was with a friend" Phil mumbled.

"You were with some stupid 'friend' all evening? Come on, you don't have friends." He spat.

"Well I do. Is that alright with you?" Phil was angry that he was calling Dan stupid. Dan wasn't stupid. Dan was perfect.

"How DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT." He yelled. "You should show me respect! Am I not the one who provides a warm bed to sleep in, food to keep you healthy?"

"I'd rather starve than spend any longer with you." Phil didn't know what he was saying. He only knew what was to come.

"YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT AGAIN ILL TAKE YOU AND YOUR TWAT OF A FRIEND AND BEAT YOU INTO A GUTTER."

"YOU DARE HURT DAN AND ILL FUCKING KILL YOU" Phil screamed and his defences were followed by a harsh, painful smack in the face, right by his cheekbone. Phil yelped and put his hand up to his face to see it was bleeding. His face started to feel numb.

"GO THEN." His dad screamed. "GO TO YOUR FAGGOT FRIEND" Phil came forward to try to hit him but his dad caught his arm and threw him to the floor.

"Get. Out" He hissed.

Phil ran out the front door in the rain. Not bothering to take a coat. It was showering down but Phil didn't care, he just wanted to see Dan again. His face stung and his body bruised. His legs pained as he ran. He could barely remember the way but he didn't care, as long as he was as far away from his house as possible. He reached Dan's door and rang the doorbell intently. No one answered. He knocked quickly, no answer.

"Dan! Dan please.." He wheezed. "Dan.. Da-" He leant his face against the cool door, sobbing quietly, letting the raindrops trickle down his face. His face ached and swelled. Blood dripped onto his hand and the rain gently washed it away. He sat on the doorstep for about twenty minutes before he saw a blurred figure arrive at the gate and run up to him.

"Phil? Oh my god. Phil what's wrong." He lifted his chin up to see his bruised and batter face. "Jesus Christ Phil.." Dan pulled the rather wet boy into a hug and Phil buried his sore, wet face into Dan's warm neck.

"I'm so sorry Dan.. I-"

"Shh, don't speak." He gave Phil his coat and traced his hand across his sore, bleeding face. He pulled him in and gently kissed him. His face was cold and swollen, he didn't care.

The raindrops fell onto their cheeks as they kissed in the pouring rain. Dan kissed gently along the cuts and bruises, his light touch soothing the pain. Phil brought his hand up to feel Dan's damp brown hair, slightly curling in the rain, which made him more perfect.

"Come on inside, you can stay here tonight" Dan whispered against Phil's hair.

Dan opened the door with his keys and helped Phil inside. Dan quickly grabbed a dry and a wet towel. Phil took the wet towel before Dan grabbed it off him.

"Let me." Dan said softly. He gently touched Phil's face and dabbed it softly. They barely broke eye contact. He wrapped the towel round him and sat on his lap.

Phil could see Dan was crying. He pulled him into a passionate kiss, they moved swiftly with each other not caring about the pain. They needed to be close, they needed to be together. Never apart. Phil smudged the tears away with his cheek. He pulled Dan into him and kissed his hair.

"I love you so much Phil" Dan whispered.

"I love you more than anything." He said into his soft, brown hair.

They stayed there for what felt like hours, every part of them touching.

"One day, " Phil continued. "One day we will run away. Just you and me. Together. Forever."

"I want that more than anything." Dan said.

"After you finish school" Phil added.

"Honestly Phil I couldn't care less about school." Dan whined. "I'll have my first grades at the end of this year"

"Fine." Phil chuckled "After this year."

"Then we can be together no matter what" Dan said peacefully.

"No matter what."

_**Author's Note**_

_**Hi guys, so I have a nice long chapter and for you (I will also upload chapter five which is a short, mildly smutty chapter because I'm not that good at smut, but I though that since its already rated M then I might as well try. Please leave a review and follow the story if you want to know when the next chapter will come out. :D**_

_**Right, unfortunately after today I am going on holiday in Wales, I wont have any WiFi unless I find it somewhere in a café. But otherwise I wont be able to upload any chapters for a week D: But ill be writing a lot so when I get home you'll have a great chunk of story, long and short chapters :) see you then.**_

_**=Anna**_


	5. Chapter 5

Dan woke up the next morning tangled in the arms of his beautiful boyfriend, sleeping peacefully. His face was comforted by the soft linen pillow. But still blue and swollen. Dan smoothed his hair and checked the time on his phone. It was 10:45. Way too late for school now, he put his phone back on the table and snuggled back up to Phil, looking at his perfect features. They may be bruised but they are still perfect.

"What's the time?" Phil mumbled quietly.

"Quarter to eleven. Don't worry. If we just don't answer the phone we'll be able to skip school"

"What about your mum?" Phil opened his sleepy eyes to look into Dan's across the pillow. Dan took Phil's hand and played with his fingers gently as the sun gently hazed through the window.

"My mum is away for a week and left me £200 for food and stuff." Dan said softly. "Which leaves time for us to spend together as much as we want" Dan said gleaming into Phil's eyes. He climbed up on top of Phil and sat, knees either side of him and took his other hand. They locked their fingers together and kissed, feeling the warm sun peer through the window onto their faces. Dan arched his back slightly, moaning into Phil's mouth as their tongues danced. Dan broke away slowly smiling with his eyes. He looked at Phil, his adorable expression of his need of contact.

Dan leaned down and kissed him again. Gently rolling his hips. He lifted his shirt off and helped Phil's gently around the sensitive areas of his face. He leaned down to kiss down his neck before Phil flipped him over gently and started sucking on Dan's neck. He found the sensitive part and started to suck on it gently leaving a trail down to his chest. Dan moaned softly.

They both proceeded to take their trousers off and they were left in their boxers. Phil rolled his hips again hearing Dan moan louder. He liked the sound that Dan made. He then trailed his hand down to Dan's boxers. He reached in slowly and took his member in his hand and gently stroked along its length. Dan moaned even louder. His moans grew needy, Phil quickened his pace and Dan bucked his hips into Phil's hand.

"Phil.. I-" His moans were interrupted by Phil's lips and a harder grip against his member. Dan dug his nails into Phil's back as he was reaching his climax. His cries filled the room as he came over himself and Phil's hand. Phil brought his hand back up and pulled himself in closer to Dan, licking along his jawline. "Jesus Phil." Dan panted. "Where did you learn that?"

"Myself mainly" Phil said simply. Dan burst out laughing. That laugh Phil adored. Phil lay down on the bed beside him. "Not nearly as good as when I'm doing it to you though"

"Tell me about it" Dan breathed.


	6. Chapter 6

WARNING: This chapter contains potential triggers, and is quite detailed. If you think this will upset you and cause you to hurt yourself, please don't read it. It is here for the purpose of the story only, I don't want anyone hurting themselves because of my silly fiction.

Dan didn't want Phil to go home. He wanted him to stay, he wanted him to fill that empty space in his bed, keep him warm in his arms, bury his face in his neck when he's asleep, like he had done every night that week. But Phil had to go home. His Dad was out working all day but Phil insisted he had to go home and catch up on his work.

"I'll miss you." Dan said quietly.

"It's only two days Dan, I'll see you in school!" Phil chuckled as he booped Dan's nose gently. Dan giggled and pulled Phil into a long, deep kiss.

"I'll look forward to then…" Dan leant his head against Phil's chest.

Phil stroked Dan's hair for a second and kissed the top of his head.  
"Alright then," He said looking into Dan's soft brown eyes. "See you Dan, I love you!"

"I love you too, be careful Phil" He called as Phil walked out the door. It closed with a click, and silence. Dan was alone again.

Dan didn't have much family, only his Mum, who worked almost all day every day to pay for food and a warm home for her son. Dan didn't even know what she worked as. Dan tended to feel lonely a lot, especially on weekends. Before Phil, Dan had no friends as he was too shy or self-conscious to speak to anyone. He said a lot that he hated everything about himself.

The house remained silent. Dan stood, watching the door long after Phil had gone out of sight. He snapped out of his thoughts and went up to his bedroom and opened his laptop. He looked on his blog to see he had 2 new messages. He clicked on them swiftly.

_"What's with the hair? I bet you listen to screamo and cut yourself. Emo lol."_

_"Did anyone ever tell you that you look like a really ugly lesbian? Sorry just had to put that across."_

Dan looked at his 'selfie' pictures and started to agree with the anonymous, he looked at himself through the mirror opposite him to see his curly 'morning hair' which he now referred to as his 'hobbit hair'. He hated the way he looked, everything he saw in himself he thought was just wrong.

"Phil doesn't deserve me…" Dan croaked. He looked over to the other side of his desk. There, he saw a blade he had been using with his Stanley Knife. He stared at it for a moment. His breath shook as he breathed in slowly. He took in his hands slowly and played with it between his fingers. A sharp pain arose on his forefinger as he accidentally cut it with the blade. He stared at the red substance slowly emerging from his fingers. He started feel sick in his throat. He smudged the blood around his fingers and felt his eyes well up. He saw the blood on the silver blade, reflecting the light coming from his window.

He took the blade to his wrist slowly, and perched it gently on his soft sensitive skin. He dragged the blade across his skin slowly applying gentle pressure. A sudden searing pain swept across the line he drew with the sharp object. Small beads of blood grew from the thin, red line and trickled down his arm. He drew another, applying more pressure and feeling his arm go numb. He cut several more the pain easing and numbing. He looked at his neatly cut wrists and started to sob quietly.

He grew angry and slashed his sensitive arms fiercely going over the lines he had already cut. His hands started to shake and shiver. He stared at his broken skin. He rushed to the sink and tried to wash the blood away. But it kept leaking out. He scrubbed it with a flannel and wrapped it up tightly with a bandage, Phil's bandage he used. He took the rough fabric up to his face and wiped away his tears.

He collapsed on his bed, still weeping quietly. The pillow still smelt like Phil, and he buried his face into it, breathing his scent and pretending he was still there.

For what felt like hours he lay there motionless, staring blankly at the wall across from him. Slowly he felt his arms scab over and stick to the bandage. He hadn't eaten at all that day.


	7. Chapter 7

Phil breathed deeply before unlocking the front door with his key. He opened it quietly and walked in through the hall.

"Phil? Is that you?" He heard his father's quiet voice coming from the kitchen.

"Yeah.. I'm home." Phil said nervously.

"C-come in here, I need to speak to you." He sounded upset, and hurt.

"What is it?" Phil said proceeding into the kitchen slowly.

He looked up from his hands, his eyes red and tired. He hadn't slept in days. He looked thin, like he hadn't eaten and his face struck with relief.

"Sit down. Please." Phil sat down slowly and the chair creaked loudly in the stiffening silence.

"I.. I have probably been the worst father in the world i.."

"Dad what?" Phil asked before he was interrupted.

"I should be sent to jail for my behaviour.. I.. I just wanted to say, I am so sorry, I, I'm just so so sorry" He sobbed.

"dad, I…"

His father sniffed and wiped away his tears.

"I shouldn't have insulted you and your friend in that way. Dan is it? I thought you might like to get away from here." He took two slightly crumpled pieces of card from his pocket. I knew you liked that band, Muse, and saw they were performing in Paris in two weeks time. I thought you might like to spend some time away, with your friend." He handed the tickets across the table to Phil. He read the computerised letters which read: MUSE, PARIS STAD. 21:00. Phil stared at the tickets in amazement.

"Dad I" Phil awed at the two paper tickets. "Thank you so much!" Phil hesitated before reaching over to give his father a hug. It felt strange, different. He hadn't been this close to his father for years.

"I thought you might like a couple of days to yourselves before the concert so I phoned the school to say you're on holiday" He added.

"Dad.. I don't know what to say…" Phil then realised something. His Dad was going to find out he was gay soon enough. He thought that now was the best moment as he was in a fairly good mood. "I.. I need to tell you something."

"Go ahead son, you can tell me anything."

"I.. I don't really know how to say this, but.. Dan.. Dan is my boyfriend." There was a sickening silence following Phil's words. He lowered his head avoiding eye contact..

"s-since… when?" His Dad said slowly.

"Since.. Dan.." Phil replied awkwardly.

"So he made you.."

"Well, he is the first person I've ever been with.."

"Right… okay.." his father tapped his fingers on the table quietly. "Have you two.." he hinted."

"What…."

"You know.." He hinted further.

"OH, Oh, no. No we haven't.. had.. yeah.."

"Yeah…" His father shifted in his seat. "I think I'd better.. get to bed…"

"Yeah, me too.."

"Right, ok.

Phil collapsed on his bed when he reached his bedroom. He stared at his cealing.

"I think he took that well" Phil said optimistically before pulling out the two glossy tickets and tweeting them to Dan. He grinned to himself and closed his laptop lid. He smiled to himself thinking about Dan. He thought about how he would react. He could imagine his face smiling into his computer. He started thinking about Dan waking up next to him. He leaned on his side and he could smell Dan's scent on his jumper, as he let Dan wear it when they didn't know how to turn the heating on, the week he stayed with him. When Dan spilt soup down his jeans, Phil let Dan wear his. Phil breathed deeply taking in the smell of Dan's washing powder. It was really strong, and it brought back more memories of that week, when Dan had tried to work the washing machine, and put too much in. When Phil over-did the washing-up liquid and they shoved the bubbles in each other's faces.

_"AAGH PHIL" Dan squealed as Phil put some in his hair. "It will go all frizzy now!"_

_"It looks cute that way" Phil complemented._

_"No it doesn't, I look like Frodo after he had a wild night in the Shire."_

_They both stared at each other for a second, before bursting into fits of laughter. _

_"I adore your creativity Dan but that description just makes you look even more attractive that way."_

_He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on his temple._

_"Well I think I look hideous."_

_"You aren't hideous Dan, you are perfect" Dan rested his head on Phil's shoulder._

_"I wish I could believe that."_

_ "Believe it."_

"Oh Dan, I love you."


	8. Chapter 8

They sat in their usual spot at school, talking about their trip to Paris.

"I literally can't wait Phil I want to go noooow" Dan whined excitedly.

"I know, think of the way Paris will look at night" said Phil.

"Yeah, very romantic Phil." Dan winked.

"Shush you" Phil nudged Dan before bringing him closer and kissing him softly.

Phil loved the privacy they had behind the science block, apart from the deposit of acids down the drain a few yards from them. They often talked about running away together and living a life away from here. Maybe they could travel the world? Go to places they've never been before?

"If we ever get the money" Dan laughed one day when they were discussing the usual subject.

"We'll get by, we could make a YouTube channel and get paid to make videos"

"No one will want to watch me ranting on to a camera Phil.."

"I think everyone will love you. I think you'll be reaching over a million subscribers in time." Phil put his arm round Dan and pulled him closer. "I would certainly watch them" Dan leant into Phil's touch.

The bell rang for the next lesson. They both had Media. They liked this lesson as they both get to research bands and films, but also because they got to work together and see each other work.

"Whats that things where you can buy stuff with spare money" Dan turned around and whispered to the desk behind him where Phil was sitting.

"What?"

"You know, the thing where rich people get more spare money to spen while poorer people don't.."

"You mean 'disposable income'." Phil said obviously.

"That's the one!" Dan said loudly and getting a harsh cough from the teacher.

"That has nothing to do with the work Dan..?"

"I'm trying to broaden my examples…" Dan said awkwardly.

"'Broaden your examples?'" Phil repeated giggling.

"Shut up" Dan said smiling. He returned to face the front and put his head down in his work.

Two hours passed with endless silence and only the noise of pens scratching on paper. There was the occasional cough or sniff, and often the sound chairs squeaking. Phil occasionally wrote a note and put it in Dan's blazer pocket for him to read. The bell finally sounded and they packed their bags and left the room.

Dan and Phil were both leaving the school gates when they heard a Johnson's group shouting over at them from across the street.

"OI FAGGOTS. GIVE US A KISS." One of them shouted over at them.

"Phil.. How did they..?" Dan panicked.

"I don't know" Phil said lowly. "Just keep moving"

"YOU GOT A BUTTPLUG WE CAN BORROW? They all roared with laughter.

The two of them quickened their pace but they were being followed with comments and insults about the two of them. They tried to cut corners and hide but Johnson and his 'thugs' soon caught them up.

They came to an alleyway and turned in it to see it was a dead end. There was nowhere to hide and they could hear their calls getting nearer.

"Phil what do we do?!" Dan trembled.

"You ever been beaten up before?" Phil said hastily.

"N-no.. Phil what?" Dan started to panic even more.

"Don't worry. I won't let them hurt you." He grabbed Dan's hand and squeezed it before walking toward the crowd. "What do you want then? Come to beat me up again?"

"Faggot's talkin' now aint he?" said Johnson followed by sneers and agreements, "We saw you out back snoggin' that fanny back there."

"Shut up about Dan" Phil's voice turned from weak to dangerous.

"ooh look.. pretty boy standin' up for his faggot girlfriend" They all sneered and Phil clenched his fists.

"You heard me the first time. Shut up." Phil's tone grew toxic, he was like a lion, purring dangerously at his prey. Some of the guys backed way slightly but some were stupid enough to push Phil even further.

"Whocha gonna do? Rape me up the arse?" They all roared out laughing. "Looks like your fanny girlfrien' already got some o' that"

In that moment Phil lost it. The kind caring Phil had gone. This side of him was brutal. Phil lost control of himself and felt adrenaline and strength roar through him. He lifted the nearest bin and threw it against the wall. He stormed up to Johnson who was manically trying to attack this raging mess put they didn't do anything. Phil put all his strength into one clenched fist and threw it square into the trembling boy's face. He felt bones crack beneath his knuckles and skin puncture. He knocked him straight to the ground and stared down at him.

"Go. Away." He hissed bitterly.

Johnson's gang had already fled. He scrambled up avoiding eye contact and ran into the direction his friends went. Phil rubbed his hand and turned to walk back to the rather bewildered looking Dan. Phil looked shocked and impressed at the same time.

"W-What the fuck was that?!" Dan breathed

"I have no idea.. I just felt so angry.." Phil looked down at his sore hand. "I couldn't have them insulting you like that…"

"Never mind me. Let me look at that!" Dan took Phil's bruising hand gently and pressed it gently against his soft, soothing lips. Dan's touch soothed the pain with everything. Emotional and Physical. Dan meant so much to Phil. If any harm were to come to him, Phil wouldn't never, EVER forgive himself.

"Just as long as you're safe…" Phil whispered.

"Oh shut up you" Dan laughed before pulling him into a long, warm and passionate kiss. They backed up against the wall and moved their heads in perfect timing. Dan broke away. He took Phil's hand and removed the bandage from his own arm. He carefully wrapped it around Phil's hand and tied it neatly.

Dan's shirt sleeve slid up to reveal his scarred messy arm.

"Dan wha-"Phil quivered at the sight of his ruined skin. "Why?"

"I'm disgusting Phil…" Dan's throat clogged.

"Why do you always say that Dan?" Phil sounded heartbroken. "You're perfect. Everything about you.. Just perfect. And if I hear anyone say otherwise… well.. you'll know what will happen." Dan smiled. "Every time you look in the mirror, I want you to look closely. Look hard. I want you to pick out every good thing about yourself. Even if it's not about looks. And don't give up until you find those things. When you do, I want you to close your eyes and say them over and over. Until it sinks in. Can you do that for me?"

"I'll try" Dan said quietly.

Phil brought Dan in closer and kissed his hair softly.

"I love you. Don't ever think otherwise." Phil looked into Dan's eyes once more.

"I love you too Phil.. I love you so much…"Dan leaned in to kiss Phil again slowly.


	9. Chapter 9

"DAD WHERE ARE MY STRIPY SOCKS" Phil shouted rushing around his room packing his last essentials.

"YOU HAVE THOUSANDS OF STRIPY SOCKS" His Dad shouted back.

"YOU KNOW, THE BLUE ONES!"

"WHY DOES IT MATTER WHICH SOCKS YOU TAKE?" He said coming up the stairs.

"THEY'RE REALLY COMFY"

"Here." He threw a pair of blue stripy socks at Phil's head. Phil turned around swiftly and put them in his suitcase.

"Thanks for this Dad, I really appreciate it." Phil smiled.

"Let's just say it me repaying you, for all these Christmases and Birthdays" He said walking forward to hug his only son. "I'm so sorry for everything son, your mother's death took its toll on me, and, I think this side of me went with her"

"Its okay Dad," Phil assured putting his bag on his shoulder and standing his suitcase up. "I had my ways of coping"

"You be careful now son." His dad said handing him his jacket. "And have a great time"

"I will" Phil grinned and put his jacket on. They both headed to the front door. "Thanks again, Dad."

"That's okay son." Phil opened the front door. "Bye Dad!"

"See you later Phil, remember to call me when you're there!" The front door clicked shut behind Phil and he went to meet Dan outside his house.

He knocked three times on his door when he arrived at Dan's house. Dan opened the door quickly, grinning at Phil when he looked up at him from the doorstep. Dan flung his arms round Phil, followed by a peck on his lips.

"You ready then" Phil asked plonking his bag down in the hallway.

"Yeah I need to bring my bags down."

"You want me to help?" Phil offered following Dan up the stairs.

"Uh, yeah actually.." Dan said awkwardly going into his room.

"Jesus Christ Dan, what have you got in here?!" Phil was astonished to see two uge bags full of clothes and toiletries.

"Well, I don't know what it will be like, you know… Hot or cold, sunny or rainy.."

"You could just check the weather.." Phil said looking in the first bag to see about five pairs of jeans and twelve tops. "We're only going for three days.."

"Good point.." He took his phone out and checked the weather "its going o be fairly good weather…." Dan said staring at his two bags mostly full of jumpers.

"Just take one bag and you can wear my stuff if you leave anything behind." Phil suggested.

"Right.. I've never been on hliday before so I don't really know what to pack…" He said taking his toothbrush and toothpaste out and shoving it in the smaller bag.

"Come on, the train comes in a hour."

"Right. Okay." Dan sounded nervous.

"Dan come here." Dan walked toward him awkwardly. Phil then wrapped his arms around Dan and pulled him in closer. "It's going to be amazing. Don't worry. You'll be fine." Their lips locked and they stayed there for a while before breaking away to check the time. "Come on, we'll be late otherwise. Dan picked up his bag, his coat and his headphones and headed out the door.

They arrived at the train station just in time and Phil got out the tickets. The sat at a table by a window, looking out onto the platform. They sat opposite each other as the train began to move. They put their bags up onto the shelves and saw the last few feet of the station move out of sight. Dan took out his iPod and headphones to listen to his music.

"Can I listen too?" Phil asked watching Dan. "I haven't got much on mine.."

"Sure you can, come here" Dan grinned at Phil as he came over to sit next to him. Dan gave him a headphone and let him choose a song. Phil scrolled through hundreds of albums and grinned when he came to his favourite. He played his favourite song, 'Starlight' and they both smiled when they heard the guitar kick in.

"I think of you when listening to this song" Phil said turning to Dan. "It makes me think of when we will go travelling."

"It's the perfect song for now then isn't it" Dan said looking out the window to see all the fields and hills. "We are finally travelling together, going to different countries, just us."

"Yeah, I never thought I'd get out to do this sort of thing"

"We've got your Dad to thank for that." Dan lent his head against the window. "How are you and him, did you just talk and make up?"

"Well, when I came back, he was crying. I guess when I left for the week he had time to think for himself and see sense.."

"Well, if he does start acting strange again, be careful." Dan turned to loo Phil in the eye. "You stand up for me too much. In that alleyway, remember, you could have got seriously hurt. And you told me about your argument, you go to extreme measures Phil, I can stand up for myself you know.."

"I've just.." Phil hesitated slightly. "I haven't ever felt this way about someone, and, you mean too much to me. If you got hurt I would never be able to forgive myself."

"Well, next time, ill be there to stand up for you, I promise." Dan put his arm round Phil and brought him into a hug. Phil closed his eyes and rested into Dan's arms.

_I just wanted to hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold…._

**_Author's Note:_**

**_Hey Guys, so the next chapter is going to be in four parts because its extra long, I hoped you enjoyed this so far but please leave a review and give feedback, and follow for updates!_**

**_=Anna_**


	10. Chapter 10

Part 1

Lovers In Paris

Phil was awoken to the voice of the automated woman telling them they're almost in Paris. He woke Dan who was sleeping peacefully against the window.

"Dan! Dan!" He shook the boy next to him excitedly which only made Dan groan unappreciatively. We're nearly here Dan, look!"

Dan focused is tired eyes onto the blur out of the window. The blurry lights soon focused to a beautiful city in the night. Dan checked his phone to see it was eight 'o clock in the evening. He could see the lights of the Eiffel Tower twinkling in the middle of the city. They arrived at the Gare Du Nord Station and collected their bags off the shelf. They stepped onto the platform and breathed the new, French air.

"This is the first time I've ever been to France.." Dan breathed, amazed at the sight of the station's architecture. His eyes wandered around to the French signs and stalls, selling baguettes and cheese. He saw a mime performing by a column, collecting money in his pot after every performance.

"This is just the station. Wait until you get outside!" Phil dragged Dan by the arm as he was still fascinating over the sights of foreign produce and tradition. They walked out of the station doors to see the city of Paris in full view.

"Welcome Dan, to Paris. The city of lurve" Phil winked. Dan gasped at the beautiful sight. He stared at the statues and tall buildings, he turned to see the tall station behind him. Trams were going through the streets collecting their travellers and tourists. He saw the French people, with their berets and thick coats. He looked down the streets and saw the typical French patisseries and boulangeries. He saw the famous Gucci, Dior and Chanel stores with the rich people pouring in and out of them. He was pulled down the steps by his boyfriend and was taken down the streets. He passed through the French markets selling cheeses and breads. He passed a garlic stand, selling specific types of garlic. Phil pulled him out of the markets and they walked over to the Eiffel Gardens. He could see Dan's excited face in the street lights.

They turned the corner to see the great landmark standing tall in front of them. Dan laughed with amazement. He spinned on the spot, taking in the truly amazing sight.

"It's just like the movies, Phil" Dan shouted. "Thank you so much!" Dan flung himself at Phil hugging him tight.

"Hey Dan, the queue for the Tower isn't that big.. We could, you know"

"Oh can we Phil?! Oh that would just be amazing!" Dan was literally about to implode with all the happiness.

"Come on, you" Phil pulled Dan towards the ticket booth. "Deux billet uh.. for le.. tower? Sil voux plait.." Phil turned slightly red at his bad French and hoped that the ticket master spoke at least some English..

"Nu somes Angles, deux billet si voux plait." Dan chipped in with his surprisingly good French. Phil turned to him amazed. _(By the way, it means 'We are English, two tickets please'(: thank you google)_

"Your friend speak good French than you" Said the ticket master with a very strong French accent.

"Uh.. oui" Phil replied nervously.

"That be fifteen euro ninety five please"

"Uh, there you go.." Phil flustered around giving him a twenty euro note.

"Merci, enjoy visit."

Dan and Phil waked away from the booth in silence and joined the queue. They turned to each other in sync and burst out laughing. A few of the people in the line turned around to tut and frown, but they were laughing too much to care.

"What even was that!?" Dan was still in fits.

"I don't even know, I dropped languages as soon as I could." Phil giggled. "Where did you learn fluent French?"

"That's all I really know, how to ask for stuff and how to say you're British." Dan said

"That's useful, whenever I am in a situation with a French person I'll say that." Phil overheard an angry French man a few people in front of them.

"Ugh, le angle.." He tutted and they both tried to withstand their laughter.

They finally reached the front of the queue and handed their tickets to the man in charge. He showed them to the lift they were going in. Luckily no one else was in it so they could have some privacy. They stepped in the lift and after a few seconds the door closed and hey began to move up. Dan was buzzing, he took Phil's hand and squeezed it tightly. They slowly rose above the buildings and could start to see the rest of Paris. Dan sat down next to Phil and leant against his shoulder. The Paris lights flickered as the continued to move up slowly.

"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you look in the dim lighting?" Dan said quietly.

"You look beautiful from any angle, and any lighting." Phi smiled and leaned into Dan.

"I never thought I would get to be with someone while going up the tower." Phil whispered. "I never thought I'd get to kiss someone over the sights of Paris."

"Me neither.." Dan replied lovingly. "But here we are, lovers in Paris"

Phil brought Dan's head in and kissed him in the low lighting of the city. Dan moaned softly in appreciation and brought his hand up into Phil's hair. Phil wrapped his arms round Dan's neck and kissed him deeper. They felt themselves get higher into the night sky and they were in their own world. They rose higher and higher, the twinkling lights grow smaller, into tiny orbs. They pulled away to look into each other's glowing eyes. Dan's tanned face reflected the golden lights shining from below. Dan kissed Phil's cheek lightly and leaned on his shoulder as they nearly reached the top. The lift stopped with a jolt, and broke them both out of their daze. They were there. The top of the tower.

"Wow…" Dan breathed, taking in the sight in front of them. He took Phil's hand and pulled him to the edge. The pointed out different landmarks in Paris and stared over at the beautiful city. They were alone at the top and it was almost completely silent apart from the lift squeaking. "This is just… Perfect.."

"I know.." Phil said, he too was amazed at the sight of the city at this time of night. "Thank you for coming Dan.." He smiled in the darkness.

"How could I refuse!" Dan leaned in to kiss Phil in the cold, night air.

Part 2

Your Eyes

Dan awoke in a soft single bed. He was in the warm arms of his beautiful boyfriend breathing softly against the pillow. He turned over to look at Phil and stroked his cheek. Phil moaned softly at Dan's gentle touch.

Dan got up out of bed and made sure to tuck Phil in comfortably afterwards. He walked slowly into the bathroom and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He turned full view and started to feel sick. He looked at his tanned body and thought ill of it. HE started to well up at the sight of his hair. He felt disgusted at himself for looking this way.

It had been minutes of sniffing and trying to hold back his tears when he heard rustling sounds coming from the bedroom. Phil came in the bathroom to see Dan, trembling t himself in the mirror.

"Oh Dan…" Phil sighed coming up from behind and wrapping his hands round Dan's waist. He rested his chin on Dan's shoulder. "Remember what I said, Dan. Take a deep breath." Dan breathed in slowly his breath shaking slightly holding back the tears. "Now count to ten, then breathe out" Dan did so whilst Phil took his hand gently. "Now, without my help, I want you to pick at least one thing that is good about yourself. You can do it, Dan." Phil squeezed Dan's hand softly. "Let me try. Right, I like the way my hair stays straight so I don't have to straighten it all the time. Now, you go." Dan looked closely and felt disappointed. "It doesn't have to be about looks, beauty comes from the inside, remember?" Dan closed his eyes and thought deeply.

"I am a kind person." Dan said quietly. Phil smiled and squeezed Dan's hand more..

"That's it Dan! Keep saying that"

"I am a kind person. I am a kind person. I am a kind person."

"You are a very, very kind and loving person Daniel Howell." Phil said to Dan's reflection. "And I love you for it."

Dan closed his eyes again. "I guess my eyes are kind of a nice colour.."

"Don't be vague, say it boldly" Phil smiled

"My eyes are a nice colour. My eyes are a nice colour. M-"

Phil span Dan round and looked him fiercely lovingly and straight in the eyes. "Your eyes, are beautiful. They are perfect." Phil pushed every word and Dan smiled back. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil's neck and pressed his lips against the other's.

"Thank you so much Phil… I love you.. Don't forget how much I do.."

"Never. And don't you forget how much I love you. I'll never let you go."

Part 3

Special toasters and Juice Pumps.

They both got dressed and headed down to breakfast where they sat at a table by a tall arched window. The hotel was typical French themed. The vintage tablecloths and the many miscellaneous pictures decorating the plain walls. They were serving the typical French breakfast, bread, butter and jam, with Croissants and Pain au Chocolate. As they were so very French, they did not have any bacon or egg, which made Dan slightly downhearted and annoyed that he couldn't have his precious bacon.

"We'll go to an English breakfast bar tomorrow Dan. I promise…" Phil said watching Dan turn his nose up at the French cereals and fruit yoghurts. He put some toast in the special toast maker, the ones where you put the toast on the rack then it moves it up through the heater slowly and drops out onto your plate when done. Dan was amazed at this construction. Some people were giving him strange looks as he bent down to watch his toast move up through the grill.

"This is genius. Seriously Phil, why don't British hotels have this sort of stuff" His eyes lit up as the toast started to peak out of the grill, perfectly browned and toasted.

"They do Dan, they also have those drink pumps." Phil pointed to the large tank filled with orange juice.

"What?! Why can't I have a massive pump of orange juice that I can help myself to anytime?!" People started to stare at Dan as he was ranting on about special toasters and juice pumps.

"Dan…. Dan..?! DAN!" Phil shouted unintentionally loudly so that half of the breakfast bar went quiet. Dan suddenly realised how he had been ranting rather loudly and had disturbed the surrounding customers. He flushed slightly red before he picked his toast up and sat at their table.

"Its only a juice pump, Dan.." Phil said setting his tea down on the table.

"It's a very cool juice pump though. Look at the spinny thing in it!" Dan exclaimed gleefully.

"That's to stop the pulp from setting at the bottom"

"…I still want a juice pump"

They both started giggling at Dan's new obsessions: Special toasters and Juice Pumps.

They set out for the Day exploring the city of Paris by visiting Notre Dame and going in their huge Apple store. They found a great merchandise store and both bought Muse t-shirts for them to wear the next day. They proceeded to the French version of HMV and scrolled through the posters where Dan saw awesome Marvel posters and yet, more Muse. They went through the box sets and movies until he saw it.  
Phil saw the entire Buffy collection in a smooth black box with Sarah Michelle Geller's face on the front. Phil gasped and ran his hands along the top of the box. He looked at the price and groaned, it was over €50 and they had a daily spending limit.

"Oh but look at it.. It's so beautiful.." Phil whined. Dan came over from flicking through some Marvel DVDs and came to join Phil at the masterpiece.

"That is pretty classic." Dan agreed. "But Phil you have every series at home"

"Its in a special box though, look!" Phil was groping the box and complimenting everything about it.

"You're as bad as me with Special Toasters and Juice pumps!" Dan laughed "Come on, they have Kill Bill!"

They ended up buying seasons 2, 3 and 4 of Doctor Who before heading out for lunch.

Part 4

Muse

"Is it normal to be nervous and excited at the same time" Dan was excitedly rushing through his bags looking for a decent pair of jeans.

"Yeah, is this your first concert?" Phil asked.

"Mmhmm.. what about you?"

"Same!" Phil said happily "My Dad would never give me money to save up for anything."

"Well, now he has!" Dan said joyfully. "Can I borrow a pair of jeans?"

"Sure! You don't have to ask" Phil threw his bag at Dan and he rustled through the t-shirts and trousers stuffed into it.

Dan pulled out a pair of black skinny jeans which suited him and his Muse t-shirt perfectly. Dan pulled them on and grabbed his bag with his phone and wallet. Meanwhile Phil was sitting on his bed quietly, muddled in his thoughts.

_No Phil. You're wrong. He loves you. You love him. He is not using you for this trip._

He began to feel dizzy. His stomach flipped and squirmed. His eyes started to blur and his head started to ache.

_What if he leaves me after this? What if I leave him? What if… What if.._

"PHIL!" Phil was suddenly snapped out of his thoughts and pulled back to reality. Where he knew Dan loved him, just as much as he loved Dan. He looked up at his lover and focused his eyes on his unique features. "Are you feeling okay? Do you want me to get something?"

"I.." Dan sat down next to Phil quickly and put his arm round the other boy's shoulders.

"Phil are you sure you're okay" Dan said with worried tones.

"I'm fine Dan" Phil smiled. "I just had one of those weird fuzzy moments.

"Okay, well tell me if you need anything." Dan sounded unconvinced.

"Come on" Phil said standing up. "We'll need to get there early if we want to get near the front" They both walked out their room door and let it click quietly behind them.

When they reached the venue for the concert, it wasn't too busy as they were there two hours early. They queued in line and sat down as they were going to be there a while.

"OOH THEY HAVE WIFI!" Dan exclaimed a little too loudly.

Phil got his phone out and connected to the network. He updated his twitter. He went on tumblr in the meantime and saw that the queue had started to move, they got up quickly and followed the line of people approaching the ticket stall. After about half an hour, they finally reached the stall where they got their tickets clipped. They proceeded into the huge stadium where they saw the stage being set up and people camping out waiting for the band to arrive. The two boys approached the front and tried to ease their way through, getting closer to the front and earning a few scowls from the people they were passing. They managed to get a few rows back from the barricade and thought they'd stay there for the moment. They sat down and got out the crisps that Phil had bought in the shop outside.

"What's the time?" Dan asked, he was very bored indeed.

"Ten to eight" Phil said lowly. They started to regret coming so early, but they knew it would be worth it.

"You got anything to do in the meantime?"

"Not really" Phil took out his phone "I have apps, some are multiplayer?"

"Sure, I guess there's not much else to do.." Dan said simply.

They played games on their phones for what felt like an hour, listening to their favourite Muse songs. The stadium started to pile up and they saw that people had started to stand and cheer. Dan and Phil instantly stood up and saw the presenter introduce the opening acts. They were some sort of French tribute band and were fairly decent to bring on probably the best band in the world, they thought.

The tribute band exited the stage and the lights went down. Dan checked his phone which read the time as 21:00 exactly.

"Dan!" Phil gasped. "Dan look it's them"

The crowd cheered and wooed as the three talented young men walked to the front of the stage. As usual, Matt Bellamy was in a very curious looking jacket with bright purple trousers. His guitar was bright red and glittery, and he had his guitar at the usual length. He brought his pick up and played the first famous, 3 chords at the beginning of their song 'Knights Of Cydonia'.

The crowd roared as they sang along. Dan and Phil raised their hands and started raving to the rhythm that Dom beat on the drums.

"DOW NOW NOW NOW, NOW NOW NOW, NOW NOW NOW. NEW NEW NEW NEW, DOO DOO DOO, DOO DOO DOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Dan and Phil sang along loudly to the melody.

"_Come ride with me.. Through the veys of history." _ His voice was brilliant as always, and sounded just like he did on the track. They sang along to the song and knew every single word.

"NO ONE'S GONNA TAKE ME ALIVE! TIME HAS COME TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT!" The crowd roared these famous lyrics and filled the stadium with voices along with Matt's.

The song finished and they greeted the audience with the best French they could, but all the same, sounded very British.

They sang through some of their best songs, Stockholm Syndrome, Feeling Good, Sing For Absolution, Butterflies and Hurricanes, Plug In Baby, Hysteria, Invincible (which made Dan cry because it was so very emotional for him) Matt went to his piano and played United States of Eurasia and Explorers.

They played songs where Dan and Phil took each other's hands and held each other close. They got to the front and felt the metal barricade. They looked up to see Matt Bellamy singing Supremacy into the microphone. Chris then stepped to the front and sang Liquid State and Save Me, before Matt then came to the front to talk to the audience.

"This next song, a lot of you know and love, I'm actually gonna dedicate it to these two guys at the front, they've been catching my eye all evening and I'd just like to say how great it is that you're expressing your relationship to the world." Matt stuck his thumbs up and Dan and Phil and went over to his piano again. The two guys were absolutely shell-shocked at how THE Matt Bellamy had mentioned them and even thought about them. He looked down at them again and laughed at their expressions, then proceeded to play the introduction to 'Starlight' and Dan and Phil turned to each other in sync and grinned.

He then played the chords at the beginning with a steady rhythm. They all cheered and the surrounding people looked at them and grinned.

"_Far away, this ship is taking me far _away_, far away from the memories of the people who care if I live or die._" They all sang along and Dan once again took Phil's hand and squeezed it,

"_Starlight, I will be chasing a starlight, until the end of my life, all the soul that would die just to feel alive_."

"_Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold you in my arms_" Phil pulled Dan in closer and felt his hair against his cheek.

"_I'll never let you go, If you promise not to, fade away, never fade away_." Phil's head whizzed back to his thoughts earlier, he began to wonder If Dan would ever fade away from him. He snapped out of it quickly and sang along to the song again.

"_Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold_….." The song finished and the crowd cheered. Matt then went to the front of the stage and held his hands in their direction. Phil turned around and kissed Dan openly on the lips. The surrounding crowd and the band all clapped and cheered. They hadn't been this happy in their entire lives.

**_Author's Note:_**

**_Hi again! It me lol. I'm just going to point out that my French is terrible and I was relying mainly on y mum to help me. Anyway the 'DOW's and the NOW's were supposed to be the guitar melody and I'm pretty sure that's how many there are, I went through it several times. Chapter 11 will be uploaded as well with this massive chunk of fanfiction. (I may say that you won't like what will happen at the end of that chapter *evil laugh*. Please review and give feedback, and follow me for updates on the story!_**


	11. Chapter 11

The train arrived for their long journey home, full of the memories of their trip. The Eiffel tower, the special toaster and juice pump, and of course, Matt Bellamy. They still couldn't believe that actually happened, Muse, the band, MUSE had cheered at them when they kissed. Dan played Starlight on repeat on his Phone and started to tear up.

"You're listening to it again aren't you?" Phil tittered looking at Dan's emotional face.

"Mmhmm…"

"Come on, listen to this!" Phil took Dan's phone and played Knights Of Cydonia. Dan's smile grew into a grin and they started to play air guitar and drums, Shaking their cabin slightly.

They listened to every song that the band played that evening. They sang along and talked about each song and how they all played it. Those two hours were truly the best two hours of their lives. They eventually fell asleep listening to Explorers, which is a good song to fall asleep to as at the end they actually _sing shh.. go to sleep_. (It's one of my favourite Muse songs.) They slept for about an hour, just holding each other. They woke in the middle of the Channel Tunnel, it was dark and they were hungry.

"I'm gonna go to the café, you want anything?" Phil asked, yawning.

"Uh.. Yeah can you get me a Coke and Malteasers?"

Phil tutted jokingly, "You and your Malteasers."

They reached London within 3 hours, they bid farewell to their trip of a lifetime and headed home. They reached the stop where Dan had to get off and kissed his boyfriend farewell. Phil plugged his music in for the rest of the journey to his house. He listened to Staright and smiled to himself, reliving their amazing experience.

Phil walked through the front door ready to greet his father again when he saw suitcases and bags packed by the front door. He walked through the kitchen doorway to see his father sitting patiently at the kitchen table.

"Dad wh-"

"Now that I see you're already packed.." His father interrupted coldly. "We best be going."

"What do you mean Dad?" Phil asked, is eyes flickering with fear.

"We're leaving, and never coming back."


	12. Chapter 12

"Dad..DAD OUCH WHAT ARE YOU DOING" Phil struggled trying to break free from his father's grip.

"Get in the car, and shut up." He spat bitterly into Phil's heartbroken expression.

"Y-you lied to me" Phil was going to cry "You said you changed.. You.. You said that you loved me as a son.. you.." A small, warm tear rolled down Phil's face.

"The first thing you need to know about people, is that they never change." The rain tarted to pour heavily, soaking both of them..

"Then why bother pretending to be a true father, why buy me and Dan those tickets if all along you were just going to let me down again." Phil's hair began to get soggy, and it drooped in the rain.

"Don't you get it? You were just gonna play happy families with that queer of yours and not bother with me anymore. And I was just softening you up, I needed you away so I could make arrangements. Now get in the car before I force you in." He stormed back to the door going to collect the next few bags.

"You know," Phil started nervously "Mum saw it. She saw this monster in you. She didn't want to say because she was scared of what would come of you. I'm not the one to blame." Phil approached his father confidently, locking eyes. "You are." Phil growled "She saw what you were really like, that's why she feared death. She didn't fear what was to come of her then she died, she was afraid of what would come of you. You, are the monster, and I'm ashamed to call you my father."

"You.. dare." His father clenched his fists tightly. He breathed in and calmed himself. "Get in the fucking car." Phil did so slowly, slightly trembling after that experience.

His dad threw the final suitcases into the boot and sat in the driver's seat.

"I was going to be noce you know, I was going to let you be with that stupid queer of yours. But since that remark," He handed him Phil's phone which he had taken from him. "You are going to call him up, and leave him. And you are to never contact him again."

"NO!" Phil protested but his father gripped his arm tightly and shoed his phone in his hands. Phil began to cry. He couldn't do it. He couldn't leave Dan. But he knew what would happen if he didn't. Dan would get hurt. His father would hurt him and insult him. He pressed the call button on his phone and put it on loudspeaker.

"Hey Phil, what's up?" Dan said heart shatteringly cheerfully.

"I…" Phil trembled and cried quietly. He could feel his father's gaze pierce through him.

"Phil whats wrong? Are you hurt? Is it your Dad again? Phil please tell me!"

Phil cleared his throat and looked at his Dad seeing the pushing gaze forcing him.

"No Dan. Dad's fine, I'm fine. Its just. I…" Phil hesitated "I can't do this anymore.

"Phil what do you me-"

"Its over, Dan. I'm sorry."

"Phil what Is this we have just got back from the most amazing trip ever why?" Dan's vice was trembling and crying.

"I know Dan, it was amazing. But im not good for you. I'll get you hurt. I'm leaving tomorrow and you wont see me again." Phil was crying again

"Phil please what is this all about" Dan cried

"I'm sorry Dan…" Phil moved his thumb to the end call button slowly.

"Phil I love you ple-" _beep _

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**I actually cried while writing this. I'll update with chapter 13 (five years later) and you'll see what happens when you read it ehehe**_

_**Anyway, please leave a review and give feedback, also follow this for more when I update it. thanks for reading :3**_

_**=Anna**_


	13. Chapter 13

_He lay there, motionless, sprawled across his cold empty bed. His face expressionless his arms wrecked. His eyes red. He let the hours roll by. His empty body withering away. He wouldn't eat. He wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't speak. He would get home from school, collapse on his bed and lay there for hours. Everything had frozen. Stuck in an array of falling. His mind stuck on that same face. Who was that beautiful face? He thought. Where is he..? His arms healed and scarred. The same every day. The same routine. Wake up. Go to school. Go home. Freeze. Wake Up. Go to school. Go home. And freeze. Always that smiling face. That beautiful cheering smile. __**Beautiful.. mine.. or.. was mine..**_

* * *

Chapter 13

Five Years Later.

"Dan, have you seen my phone?" Chris had popped his head round the bathroom door to speak to Dan. "Its over here!" Dan threw Chris' phone across the room only to be caught perfectly by Chris.

Dan was packing all his stuff as he was moving to a new university and moving in hi new apartment. Chris came out of the bathroom in his boxers while brushing his teeth. He opened the curtains and admired the morning view.

"Chris we live opposite a primary school. I'd put some trousers on." Dan said chuckling slightly.

"I thought you would complement my sexy body in broad daylight." Chris replied flirtily.

"I did that enough last night." Dan winked and Chris walked back into the bathroom to finish his teeth.

Dan brought out an old dusty box from out of the cupboard in the corner of his room. He brushed the dust off the lid and carefully removed it. It wasn't much.. Just a few tatty books and old posters.. he saw his old Muse wristband and smiled to himself. He removed the books and brushed the thick coating of dust. They were mainly John Green books, and some were annuals and collectors issues if magazines and the occasional Harry Potter book. He removed the last book to reveal a small pile of dusty photographs. He picked them up slowly and took the pile in his hands.

He wiped his hand across the photo slowly and carefully so that the image was revealed. Dan inhaled sharply. He saw it. That face. He threw the photos back in the box and piled the books on top. He replaced the lid and quickly put it by the door where he would take it to the moving van.

Chris returned from the bathroom, still shirtless but with trousers on. He looked around the room to see Dan sat quietly on the bed.

"Dan.." Dan stood up abruptly and turned to his lover. "are you feeling alright? You looked like you've seen a ghost" That's exactly what Dan had seen. A beautiful ghost of his past.

"Oh, yeah I'm fine don't worry, just feeling a bit queezy." Dan stuttered.

"Daan.. I know when you're lying." Chris teased and approached Dan and placing his hands gently on the other's hips. "Tell me." Chris pecked Dan's lips lightly and smiled. Dan's expressionless face turned happy again and he forgot about that distant ghost.

"I'm just a bit nervous about moving all the way up to Manchester." They slow danced without any music and just held each other. Chris made Dan happy. And vice-versa. They were living together and that made them happy.

"You'll be fine!" Chris stroked Dan's cheek with his finger, prodding one of his dimples. They both giggled before taking the boxes down to the van.

They caught the train up to Manchester. It was a very long journey and Dan had enough music on his phone to get him through the journey. He listened to Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, but he had gone off Muse slightly, something told him not to listen to it.

He put his whole song collection on shuffle and watched his lover gaze out the window. An hour went by, listening to random songs and gradually watch Chris fall asleep. He leant his head against the train window and stared at the British countryside.

The song changed. The introduction was familiar.. Dan started to feel sick in his throat. He coughed quietly.

_Far away. This ship is taking me far away. Far away from the memories, of the people who care if I live or die.._

Flashbacks came flooding like a tidal wave leaving Dan breathless.

Paris

Matt Bellamy

Starlight

Special Toasters

Phil..

Dan ripped the headphones out of his ears and stumbled out of the cabin. He rushed into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror.

_He awoke blurry eyed on the pavement, limbs broken, pain everywhere, and no relocation of what happened. He was rushed into hospital and was asked questions on how he 'fell'. Dan couldn't remember anything.. Not even his own name.._

Dan splashed his face with ice cold water.. Snapping him out of his thoughts..

_I just wanted to hold…_

Dan stopped off at the café on the way back and got a sandwich. He got Chris one too and left it in front of him, to eat when he woke up.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**Hi guys, sorry I haven't updated in a while, i've been knee deep in homework and I cant think of much for it, but I will try to upload chapter 14 by Sunday!:D (chapter 14 will be Phil's point if view ehe e he hehehe ehee ehe)**_

_**so yeah please leave a review as always my beautiful readers. And follow the story for more updates**_

_**=Anna**_


	14. Chapter 14

_He watched the raindrops chase each other down the windscreen, the endless road leading straight ahead, away from everything that made him happy, everything he loved, cared for, the memories fading as they travelled further away, along this long, wide road._

_Muse came onto his iPod. He couldn't take the pain. There was only one way to recover from this. To forget. Forget the memories, forget those beautiful brown eyes, that cute, fluffy hobbit hair he had on the mornings. It must go. He must go. And like his father said, never come back._

* * *

_Manchester, Present Day._

Phil was awoken by the loud sound of his alarm going off. He tapped the screen and crawled sleepily out of bed. He had to go to work in a bit, full day's shift. Phil didn't do well in his new school when he first came to Manchester fie years ago, so he didn't get many decent grades. Instead he applied for a job at Starbucks, and has been working there for a few months now. He pulled on his uniform with his new black skinny jeans and fixed his hair into a satisfactory style. He grabbed his jacket, locked his apartment and headed out for work. He played Fall Out Boy on his iPod while he was on the underground, his music taste had changed quite a bit since the move, but he never thought about anything before he came to Manchester, he's sort of, erased it from his mind.

He signed in to say he had arrived on time and set up all the machines. It was 7:55 already, has waiting to open for the many business workers to come flooding in for their 'morning spark'. Phil never had time for any 'morning sparks' and relied purely on the fact that if he didn't work, the rent wasn't paid.

Hours passed with hundreds of customers racing in and out with their iced frappes and creamed coolers, the basic summer menu. Some popped in for lunch and sat on the plush sofas, admiring the free wifi. Some came in with laptopps and bought large coffees to help them with their work. They too, used the free wifi available.

One girl took a picture of the bottles of naked, and captioned it with a bad innuendo. 'How old is that joke now? Like, five years?' Phil thought to himself. He often tried to deduce his customers and guess their lives like Sherlock Holmes, but he never seemed to get very far.

"Hi can I help?" Phil said blandly for what was probably the millionth time that day.

"Uh yeah," _That voice... It sounds familiar_. "Can I have... one regular iced coffee frappe thing, with this toasted please?" Phil looked up t meet his customer's questioning gaze.

"Uh.." Phil hadn't realised he had been staring for a while. "Oh sorry.. of course." Phil picked up a plastic cup. "What's your name?"

"Dan, just Dan." Phil froze. Everything stopped for a moment. Flashbacks arose and filled his head. They came whooshing in like a wildfire. The concert, Paris, juice pumps, the breakup..."

"Hello? are you alright?" Phil was snapped back to reality.

"Dan..." Phil whispered

"Yeah.. that's my name, and can you toast this please?" Phil's expression flattened. He wrote Dan's name on the cup and took his sandwich to toast.

"That's £6.55 then please" Dan handed Phil a ten pound note and took the change from Phil's hand quickly.

Phil didn't understand. Why didn't Dan remember him? Yes, his hair was shorter, but his features remained. Maybe he could strike up some sort of conversation with him?

The toaster clicked and Phil quickly took the toasted sandwich out being careful not to burn his hands. He placed it neatly on the plate and took it over to Dan.

"Here we go, is there anything else I can help you with?" Phil said hopefully.

"Uh, no thank you" Phil's face drooped slightly. He started to walk off slowly before Dan called his over again.

"Actually, I was wondering if you could tell me how to get to the underground station from here? I'm new in Manchester, I've just moved up from London with my boyfriend.."

_Boyfriend? Boyfriend _Phil stopped and thought he felt heartbroken. His only ever friend and lover didn't even remember him, and got over him soon enough.

"Uh... yeah you just turn right by TopShop, then the entrance is just by Tesco there.."

"Ah okay, thanks"

"Okay, enjoy your meal.." Phil started to walk off again, he was going to cry.

"Have we met?" Phil spun around quickly. "Sorry, its just you look familiar, really familiar."

"No, I don't think so.." Phil couldn't bear to explain the events that had happened. "Enjoy your meal." Phil then walked back behind the counter and left for his break. He walked out the staff only door to see Dan sat in his usual position, sat across the plush sofas, that was Dan, very much like him. Phil smiled to himself before proceeding to walk out the door.

Dan had a life now, he had a boyfriend, probably a great one, on who wouldn't let him down like Phil did. One who makes him happy and keeps his promises. Phil had a life too, he had his best friend PJ, who was also, gay and single. They never felt right together so they stayed as friends. Phil had a job, his YouTube had got off to a good start, his rent was being paid for. He had a normal life. He hadn't talked to his dad for about two years either. He spent Christmas with PJ and his family. He deserves to be alone for Christmas. He was a jerk, the worst father.

The end of the day drew close and Phil made his way to the underground station. He couldn't help but think of Dan, how he has grown so much, how his hair has got shorter like Phil's, but his normal traits have remained the same, his awkwardness, his humour and curiosity.

He was sat on the tube when he saw that same figure step awkwardly onto the train. He saw the seat next to Phil and next to him as to grab the seats before anyone else did. That was typically Dan.

"Hang on, you were that guy in Starbucks weren't you?" Dan said grinning cheerily.

"Y-yeah" Phil wasn't handling this very well.

"I wanted to tip you for your help and the fact that you toasted the sandwich for the right about of time, but you left before I could, here" Dan handed Phil a five pound note.

"Oh, no that's okay you keep it" Phil tried to ward off the generous customer but he was insistent.

"There, now, I didn't catch your name, I'm Dan, if you can remember"

"Haha yeah, I'm Phil." He said grinning.

"Phil.." Dan said under his breath. Before snapping back into reality

* * *

_**Authors Note:**_

_**Oh by the way if you're slightly confused about what's up with Dan, he was basically suicidal, and threw himself out of his bedroom window. But he didn't die, he just suffered from amnesia. So he barely remembers Phil.**_

_**Anyway, sorry if I haven't updated in a while, I've been so bloody busy, anyway, please favourite and leave and review. Follow the story for updates!**_


	15. Chapter 15

**The Smoke Rises**

Phil was indeed a mystery, even though he was just a member of staff at his local Starbucks, he couldn't help wondering. They must've met. Somewhere.. Sometime, had he seen him before? In a dream or something? Was he in a picture? _A photograph. _ Dan's head pounded. _Who was this boy? Why is he o familiar? _It's there, in the back of his mind, he knows it's there. He just can't get to it.. it's too far away, it's as if, he doesn't want to know, that the truth is so heart breaking.

Dan was snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of Chris bringing the final boxes in from the moving van.

"Hey babe, could you lend me a hand?" Chris stumbled in with three very heavy boxes piled up in his arms.

"Sure come here.." Dan took the old dusty box on top, which was very heavy and had many books in.

"We have loads of unpacking to do, I'll start with these two you start with that one." Chris plonked the two other boxes down on the floor.

Dan blew the dust off the box and lifted the many book out and placed them onto their new sturdy shelf. Dan threw most of the papers into the bin, along with a few ugly photos of him.

He went through the pile and noticed a familiar face in the background of each one. _Who is that? Why do I keep seeing him?_ Dan shuffled through the photos eagerly, wanting to know who exactly this person was. He reached the bottom of a pile where there was a small photo with a dark haired boy smiling at him. He looked closer. _It was him. _Who _is_ he? Phil brushed the dust off the laminate photo to reveal Phil's face.

"Oh my God.." Dan trembled.

"Dan are you alright?" Chris sounded very worried at Dan's trembling tones.

"Ph….. Ph-"

"Dan?" Dan's breathing increased, he started to panic and tug on his hair. Memories flooding back. That boy. That beautiful deadly boy. Those piercing blue eyes. Paris, Muse, Phonecall, The Fall. His mind was erupting with visions of this past life he had completely forgotten.

"Phi.. Ph-"

His smile, His laugh, His eyes, His hair, His body, his touch. Dan collapsed onto the floor holding his head which was throbbing. The phonecall, the apology, the end. The routines, the scars, _the fall._

Dan's mind flew back in time, to when he was sat on his window ledge, legs hanging into thin air. His breath shaking. His mind empty. There was nothing left for him He gradually slid himself off the ledge and felt himself slip. He frantically grasped for anything to hold onto anything to save his life. He was falling. Maybe only several metres but it felt like hours, he was dropping into endless nothingness. Falling _falling,_ until CRASH. His head hit the pavement. His mind went blank.

"_Phil"_

Dan gasped for air as he was dragged back to reality where he saw Chris desperately trying to revive him.

"Dan!" Chris gasped with relief. "Dan are you alright!"

"Oh Chris.." Dan breathed "Thank God you're here"

"DAN ARE YOU ALRIGHT" Chris raised his voice in complete concern.

"I.. –"

"DAN ANSWER ME"

"I'M OKAY." Dan said breathlessly. "I'm fine now. I'm fine."

Dan panted, still terrified of his flashback. He closed his tired eyes and rested against Chris. Chris cradled Dan in his arms and they both slowly drifted off.


	16. Chapter 16

"ONE MEDIUM CARAMEL FRAPPE!?" Phil shouted tiredly across the noisy room where he has to spend 8 hours a day. He was exhausted. Too many things on his mind. He had found Dan, but Dan had no idea who he was, and had a boyfriend anyway. Why couldn't Dan remember?

Phil took orders, made coffee, collected change, served sandwiches and didn't get a long enough break. His back had been aching for the past hour, but any way to pay the rent…

It finally came to the end of Phil's shift and he changed out of his coffee-stinking clothes and put his awesome nebulae jacket on. He loved that jacket.

He put his iPod on and blasted Fall Out Boy. He nodded his head slightly to the beat of the music and plodded along to the underground station. He suddenly felt a hand grip the fabric of his jacket and pull his along into a corner where not many people could see. He was slammed against a wall. His headphones ripped out of his ears and he looked up to see Dan's angry face in front of him. Phil trid to struggle away but Dan had a firm hold on him.

"Ow wh-"

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU" Dan yelled in Phil's face

"What I don't' understand why-"

"WHY ARE YOU FUCKING WITH MY MIND?! ARE YOU SOME ILLUSIONIST? PLANTING YOURSELF IN Y HEAD?!"

"No I swear! Please just-"

"ANSWER ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD I-"

"IF YOU WOULD STOP YELLING A ME I MIGHT HAVE A MOTHERFUCKING ANSWER FOR YOU."

Dan immediately went silent. Phil didn't mean to snap but it was the only way it used to shut him up.

"Well?" Dan said impatiently. "Speak up!" Dan gripped Phi's Shirt tighter.

"If you would fucking let me go it might be easier."

Dan let go of Phil's shirt and stepped back slightly.

"Five years ago.. You joined my school after being bullied at your old school.."

Dan suddenly remembered the intimidation he felt in his days at secondary school. How he was bullied.

"We became friends and eventually.. Eventually" Phil went quiet.

"Go on.." Dan said softly.

"We fell in love.."

Dan flinched and looked terrified. Those memories he had experienced the night before came whooshing back.

"Then what happened" Dan choked.

"Well.." Phil started to tear up. "My dad wasn't really the best of fathers then…" Phil raised his head to meet Dan's watery eyes. "He beat me and you always took me in and cared for me…" Dan remembered their embrace that evening, Phil's soft touch.

"What happened." Dan said fiercely trying to hold back tears.

"My Dad bought us tickets to see Muse in Paris. We spent two days there before the concert and went on the Eifel Tower.."

Dan remembered the lift, rising up over the twinkling lights of the city. The warm glow reflecting off Phil's face and kissing him in the dimmed room.

"I remember that…" Dan said quietly. "Go on"

"And when we went to see Muse, Matt Bellamy sang Starlight dedicated to us.." Phil chuckled quietly.

"BUT WHAT WENT WRONG" Dan cried.

"Wh-" Phil started to choke on his words "When I got back… My dad said we were leaving. He had sent us away because he was leaving. He pretended to be nice to trick me"

A small tear rolled down Dan's cheek slowly

"I never had the chance to tell you that.." Phil whispered "He then made me call you, and… He made me leave you.."

Dan exhaled sharply. He started to get short of breath. He was crying more.

_"PHIL PLEASE CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THIS?" I cried_

_"I'm so sorry Dan.."_

_"PHIL PLEASE I LOVE YO-" _

**_Beep_**

Dan took a few steps back, never breaking eye contact with Phil.

"Phil…" Dan hushed

"Yes Dan.." Phil smiled "Its me.."

Dan rushed toward Phil and threw himself over him, hugging him tightly, sobbing gently into his shoulder.

"I am so sorry Dan…" Phil whispered into Dan's soft hair. "I am so sorry for everything.."

Dan pulled away and kissed Phil firmly on the lips Phil responded instantly.

Oh how long it had been. Dan was so warm and welcoming, he tugged on his hair lightly.

"Phil.."

Phil broke away.

"Phil I have a boyfriend…." Dan said guiltily

"Go back to him.. He deserves you more than me.." Phil said sadly

"I love you so much Phil.."

"I know, I love you. But I can't handle the guilt" Phil looked down at his feet.

"But Phil i-"

"Go, Dan." Phil interrupted calmly. "Be happy. For me."

Dan leaned in to plant another kiss on Phil's lips.

"Goodbye Phil. I won't stop loving you."

"And I, you" Phil replied longingly.

Dan started to walk away.

"Oh and Dan,"

Dan turned. "Yes Phil"

"Remember me. Remember the times we had.."

"Always."

* * *

**_ELOH._**

**_ITS ME AGAIN_**

**_Sorry I haven't updates for ages, i've had so much homework you would not believe. I hope you enjoyed this and don't worry guyz, this isn't the end. all I can tell you is that Dan has to make a difficult decision. and more Phan moments lol this is what the fic is about._**

**_Anyway, ill hopefully update within the next few days if not then by the end of next week if I haven't suffocated in my homework._**

**_I quoted harry potter at the end (disclaimer will be published when the story is finished) because NEW JK ROWLING FILM LOL OMG I CANT_**

**_anyway_**

**_Thanks for reading this fic so far, please leave a review and follow me and my stories for regular (well, I say regular) updates on new chapters and stuff!_**

=Anna


	17. Chapter 17

**That Bit In Every Story Where Things Get Complicated**

_6 months later_

Phil had spent the last half of the year playing video games and working. He had no social life and not even any friends. He often thought of Dan, how he felt against Phil, his soft touch always gentle on his skin. He was never going to have anyone who could top Dan. Phil wondered whether he had made a bad mistake, but he realised that he wasn't good for Dan, and he never will be.

His sweet dreams of the brunette were rudely interrupted by Phil's annoyingly loud alarm clock. He slammed the stop button and got up to get ready for work. He didn't even think about what he was doing with his life anymore, he was just automatic. His thoughts were elsewhere, in a better world. He wanted to finish school, get those good grades he longed for, and then when it was all over, he would run away with Dan, they would live together, travel together, and somehow, get by.

* * *

Dan walked into his favourite café to get his usual, only to see the very person he didn't want to be near at that moment, was, indeed in shift. He looked different, tired. He was zoned out into another world and barely noticed anyone. He queued up to order his drink hoping that Phil wouldn't notice him.

"One iced frappe please" Dan said quickly as to get away as soon as possible.

"Sure you want cream with that" Phil murmured.

"Uh, yes please."

Phil snapped out of his thoughts quickly at pierced Dan's soft brown eyes with his icy blue ones.

"That's £3.49 then please.." Phil said slowly, still staring Dan straight in the face.

Phil quickly wrote a note and slipped it under the receipt with Dan's beverage.

"Okay thanks very much" Dan quickly darted off and took the note out from under the receipt.

_Its been a while Dan, you don't have to, but can you meet me round the back at 3:00 (that's when I get off) nice seeing you anyway._

Dan knew he shouldn't. But he couldn't resist. He still loved Phil, he was always the one for Dan. He had missed him so fucking much. But this whole thing was becoming a bit of a love triangle.

Dan made his way to the back of Starbuck and waited for Phil to come. Dan waited there for about ten minutes. He wondered whether Phil had decided to not go after. Dan sighed and turned around to see Phil standing a few yards from him.

"Long time no see huh." Phil said walking a few steps closer.

"Been a while, not much has happened." Dan said looking down at his feet. He looked up again to see Phil had gotten closer.

"I'm so sorry Dan, for.. for everything." Phil looked away trying to hold his tears back. Dan took another step forward and he could start to feel Phil's body heat.

"It was never your fault Phil.." Dan breathed.

Phil took another step and their chests were brushing against each other.

"It was though Dan.. I got you into this mess I should never have-"

Phil was cut off by Dan's lips on his. Phi was so shocked he pulled away immediately.

Dan turned and started to walk off panicking before Phil grabbed him by the arm and crashed against his lips. Passionately, they were both locked in each other's embrace. How long it had been.. Phil had forgotten how good Dan felt. Fireworks were exploding between the two of them as their lips locked together like two pieces of a puzzle. Their bodies fitted perfectly and they moved with a rhythm. Dan guided his hands up into Phil's hair and tugged softly, gaining a soft moan from Phil. Dan slid his tongue into the others' mouth and they danced with delightful ecstasy. They both broke away for air and pressed their foreheads together never losing eye contact.

"I love you" Dan panted.

"I love you so much Dan.. But we cant be together, that was just childhood."

"Well it meant something to me" Dan's voice broke as he started to cry, cupping Phil's face gently.

Phil then buried his face in the crook of Dan's neck.

"Dan, it meant everything to me." Phil looked up at Dan again "Don't you ever forget that. Go on no, you have to go." He pushed Dan away gently. "And by the way, you will be seeing me again, don't think you haven't got rid of me!"

He watched Dan walk slowly round the corner before he went the opposite way to the underground station. He zoned out again thinking about what life would be like if he took Dan back now.

The noise of the cars beeping and people shouting was muffled. The noises of the busy London streets were replaced by the sound of Dan. His laugh, his cry, his voice. He stared at the black tarmac as it rolled along the road as he crossed it.

He was half way across when he heard a rather loud beep coming from a loud vehicle coming from up ahead. He turned quickly and snapped out of his thoughts. His eyes focused quickly on a large green lorry only a few yards from him. He tried to jump out of the way but he wasn't quick enough. The large hunk of metal smacked against his body sending him lying through the air. Before he knew it his face had his the tarmac and he was in searing pain. He could see the people ruhing around his dialling 999. Then suddenly,_ black_.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

_**I am so sorry. I have no idea why I did that.**_

_**PHIL DOESNT DIE DONT WORRY JEEZ. AND YES, THERE WILL BE MORE PHAN MOMENTS. **_

_**The main reason I made that happen is because in the next chapter I really wanted to do this scene and it wil be rly cute and im not gonna tell you obvs but it will be worth it.**_

_**(also I have been swimming in bloody homework so if the next chapter is late that is why)**_

_**I am sorry again.**_

_**please review and follow the story and fave and stuff**_

_**k see you soon!**_

_**=Anna**_


	18. Chapter 18

_Phil.. Phil… _

_A bright white light seeped through his eyes. He saw a strange figure standing over him._

_"Phil," Phil opened his eyes dully to see his mother standing over him._

_"Mum..?" Phil whispered. _

_"That's right Phil, its me" She smiled and helped him up. "Walk with me, we don't have long."_

_"Where am i?" Phil asked gaping at the pale walls and arches towering over them._

_"Wherever you wish to be, it's your dream."_

_"What do you mean? Am I not dead?"_

_"You seem to be soldiering on for something." She smiled at her son for a moment. "I am so sorry Phil, for everything that has happened.."_

_"Its not your fault mum" Phil protested._

_"Doesn't stop me from being sorry" She replied calmly "when you wake I want you to promise me something.. Do what makes you happy. No matter the cost. Do what leads you on the path of happiness."_

_"Mum i…"_

_"You are such a brave, brave boy Phillip." She cupped his face softly. "You have been strong, stronger than I ever was." She stroked her thumb across his cheek. "You deserve more than this. Go find him, that boy, go find him and be happy. And I promise, when you grow old and die by each other's side, I will be waiting for you, I'll be waiting right here, for you to return."_

_"I will…"_

_"That's my brave boy"_

_"Mum…?"_

_"Yes darling?"_

_"Did you watch over me, were you there?"_

_She smiled, "I never left your side" she turned to a light coming down from an archway above them. "I best be going now Phil. But remember what I told you, remember that I'm always here."_

_"What do I do now though?!"_

_The light shone on her back and concealed her figure. "You will know when the time comes" _

_There was a bright flash of light then darkness._

* * *

**_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._**

Phil awoke to the sound of a heart rate monitor beeping at his pulse. He could hear the whirring sound of his oxygen mask and the busy sound of nurses outside the room. He opened his eyes slowly. Taking in the sights of the surrounding room. He looked to his left, where he saw a very tired looking Dan sleep peacefully with his head by my arm on the bed.

He tried to move his legs, they were stiff. In fact, he could barely move them at all. He started to get restless, trying hard to move his legs but they wouldn't budge. Dan awoke with a jump.

"Phil!" Dan exasperated with relief.

"Dan!" Phil trembled. "Dan help me please!"

"Phil.."

"What's happened why wont my legs move!"

"The injury in your spinal cord…. It was severe enough to… to paralyze you from the waist down…" Dan looked away for a moment.

"What…" Phil breathed. "I.. I'm _paralysed_"

"I am so sorry Phil..

"How long was I out for..?"

"About two weeks…"

"TWO WEEKS?!" Phil raised his voice only to make him cough and splutter.

"Yeah, you've been in a coma.."

"I…"

"I'm so sorry Phil.."

"Its not your fault…"

"Doesn't stop me from being sorry though.." Dan took Phil's hand and he looked up surprised.

"Dan I love you I really want to be with you…" Phil blurted suddenly.

"I.."

"I'm sorry..

"No really, its fine Phil I just.."

"Yeah I get it its fine your with Chris I'm fine with that.."

"I broke up with Chris."

There was silence, before Phil spoke up.

"Why..?"

"Because I love you too much and I can't bear to leave your side…"

"Dan you-"

"When I heard you were hurt I cried for days and I never left this seat." Dan didn't know what else to say "I, I didn't eat or sleep until I heard some news that you'll be ok.."

"I'm.. I'm sorry I"

"Phil.."

"Yes Dan?"

"I want things how they used to be. Can we have that? Can we be together again?"

"I want that more than anything." Phil grinned.

Dan took Phil's hand and squeezed it gently

"It looks like ill have to be looking after you a lot then" Dan leaned in and placed a kiss on his temple."

"Looks like it.."

* * *

_**Epilogue**_

"Phil, you ready?" Dan poked his head around the door and saw Phil trying to reach something on the top shelf.

"Two.. Seconds.." Phil reached his arm up, getting nowhere with receiving this object.

"Let me." Dan wheeled Phil out of the way and reached up to grab it. "Here," Dan smiled at Phil but got no reply.

"I'm just a pain, I'm stuck in this wheelchair and I can barely do anything.." Phil played with the hem of his shirt.

"Hey. Look at me." Dan tilted Phil's chin up to meet his gaze. "You are NOT a pain. You are perfect, and I'd be nowhere without you. Understand?"

Phil nodded and smiled meekly.

"Come on, Chris and PJ are meeting us there."

"How is Ellie?" Phil said abruptly.

"I took Ellie to Anna, she is going to look after her for the evening. Anna's a good friend, she'll look after her no matter what." Dan stroked his thumb across Phil's cheek. "Come on. We'll be late if we don't hurry up!"

Phil wheeled himself out of the bedroom and got onto the stair lift carefully. Dan pressed the button and followed him down slowly.

"Dan?"

"Yes Phil?" Dan said helping Phil off the stair lift and out the door.

"Thank You" He grinned.

Dan then leaned in to peck him on the lips before helping him into the car and driving off.

_Ill never let you go if you promise not to fade away, never fade away._

_Our hopes and expectations. Black holes and revelations._

_Hold You In My Arms, I Just Wanted To Hold…_

_Fin_

* * *

**_Author's Note:_**

**_Thank you all of you for reading this, I really appreciate it and thank you for your support. I will post the disclaimer as the next chapter. But I hope you liked the ending I hoped it wasn't a bit quick but honestly I think its really cute at the end :D_**

**_Thank you all, I will be posting more ficlets and oneshots in the future so I guess I'll see you then._**

**_Anna._**


	19. Disclaimer

**_Disclaimer._**

**_I do not own Dan or Phil, they are real people and they choose their own lives. I do ship Phan however, I don't claim for it to be real. _**

**_I do not own Phil's Mum or Dad. They are not like that in real life and I changed their Characters._**

**_The only characters I do own in this story are the teachers, Johnson and his gang, and the ticket seller for the Eiffel Tower, because I made them up myself._**

**_Thank you for reading, enjoy my future fictions which I will maybe write soon._**


End file.
